Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
