ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
