I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
