Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
