I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
