Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
