o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
