i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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