i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
