I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You're breaking my sexual little heart
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
