The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
