Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
a search helicopter?!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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