yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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