I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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