don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
