I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
