Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
