then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
