Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
