life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
