Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
