Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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