dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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