i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
