That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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