i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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