Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
