I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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