my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
