worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
