God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
