every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
