I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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