you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am midnight drunk by noon
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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