I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize