dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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