cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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