all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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