I'm going to rape someone's good day.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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