Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
