My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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