I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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