So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
