I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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