I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
