Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
