Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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