Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
