Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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