My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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