And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
