apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize