How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
