you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
