I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
