I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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