I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
