i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
