I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
