I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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