i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
